Yesterday, someone died. I found out about it today. When I woke up this morning, I dialed my mother's number to thank her for the birthday card she sent me. While we were talking, she informed me that a nice lady from my childhood church had passed away last night. She and her children moved to Virginia quite a while back and when I moved to this area, I promised that I would find out where she lived and visit her. But, all I made was a promise that I never kept. As I spoke to my mother, my heart ached to know that I would never be able to go to her and say, "see, I made it. I became all the things you believed I could be." At one point in time, this woman offered to pay for me to go to the Boarding School that I had been longing to go to. My mom declined because she didn't want me to have an opportunity that my siblings wouldn't be able to have.
But, you can never forget that type of kindness. Though she had three children, she always treated me like I was part of that family. She used to tell me that she wanted me to marry her son. At that time, he was shorter than I was and stocky. I was rail thin and at least a half a foot taller than he was. I never even considered him. Now, I wonder what he's grown up to be. But more than anything, I wonder why I couldn't find a weekend, a day, and hour, or even a minute to just get in contact with her. Just like that, someone important leaves this earth. And yet, I'm still caught up in the stupid stuff.
In light of everything that happened, another friendship that I cherished-ended. The accusation was that I never kept my end of the friendship, that I didn't call- that it was all one-sided. And while I don't agree with that, I guess everyone is entitled to their own opinions. What I felt was that, like many people, she's found herself in a new relationship – one that truly sounds like it has the makings of being beautiful, but in the interim, she's made a conscious decision to… sh*t, I don't know what she's made a conscious effort to do. But whatever it is, I'm not going to be there in the friend capacity. Truly, I feel that it's sad. If I said kinda, I'd be understating. It's even hurtful, and rarely do I feel that way.
The truth is, I was there through thin and VERY VERY VERY thick stuff. In the end, I feel like everything I did and was as a person, meant nothing. And I think I'm taking this so hard because, while I was busy trying to be a friend, someone was off dying – someone that I should have been visiting in life. It's taking everything in me to keep the tears from flowing.
I said to my mother, "I can't believe I never went to see her." and my mother responded, "well, it's too late to see her alive now." That broke my heart. And right now, I'm thinking about how cold the voice was on the other end of the phone when I just spoke to this individual that I considered to be my friend. Perhaps, we started off on the wrong footing with the email that I sent -brief in nature. It simply stated what I was feeling, that we wouldn't be talking as often as we once did and that possibly, we wouldn't speak again. I guess I have a certain insight on life.
But after it all went down, I had this sincere urge to delete her memory. I needed to erase her from my day to day life, from things that I view daily – from my life. I've never had to do something like that before. And while I'm sitting here talking about missed opportunities in life, I just felt like it was something I had to do. Of all the friendships that has ended for me, I can honestly say that this one was the most painful.
I have a birthday coming in two days (almost one, now that it's 11:00pm). As I am getting older, I guess I'm realizing, like all my true friends have said to me – you begin to be able to count them on one hand. So, I had to delete her memory to make space for something or someone else. Sometimes life is crazy like that.