Truthfully Speaking

Passion

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore, then run

Does it stink like rotten meat?

Or crust and sugar over like a syrupy sweet

Maybe it just sags like a heavy load

Or does it EXPLODE?

I remember the first day I heard that poem. It was sometime in Middle School. We’d just read A Raisin in the Sun. The words just rang in my head and settled in my heart. And years later, I can sit in this bed and type the words verbatim without having to resort to any document. I memorized those words in one day. I’ve asked myself that question everyday since the year began.

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A Generation of Despair

I just drafted a whole post and lost it when my damn computer decided to freeze. But as if I’m not just a glutten for punishment, I’m here typing again instead of creating the document in Word first.

My mother had me when she was 39 years old. And no, I have no defects(except maybe this extremely large brain and immense wisdom..lol). Growing up with her, really influenced the person that I have become today.

I’d be lying if I credited anyone else for the success that I am today. My mother beat the idea of successfulness into me, literally. She was/is a champion of education and adamant that we as African American children took full advantage of it. So, like the obedient little children that we were, we (my sister and I) pursued our educations straight through college. My brother, on the other hand, decided to do things his way.

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Me/You before Us

I’ve always had this big thing about being independant. Perhaps it’s because my mother left my father when I was about four years old and decided that living life without her husband would be easier than living life with him. Before getting with my father, my mother was living her life as an independant woman. So, marrying a man that was unwilling to grow together instead of recognizing that everything earned should be for them both, was not difficult for her. She maintained her own bank account, paid her own bills, and took care of the kids alone.

And when we left left him in Nigeria, she knew that life without him would be similar to the life she’d lived there as his wife. Sure we struggled immensely, but that’s part of life. If there is anything that I believe she might regret though, it’s not fulfilling all the goals that she had for herself. But I’m not too sure about that.

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Back to GoodII

I’m not sure if I’ve ever named any of my posts "Back to Good", but in case I have, I’ll call this part II. I’ve created over a million posts, but I’ve drafted them all. I guess I’ve been feeling kinda vulnerable.

It’s nothing, it’s so normal you
Just stand there I could say so much
But I don’t go there cuz I don’t want to
I was thinking if you were lonely
Maybe we could leave here and no one would know
At least not to the point that we would think so

I’m still going through some sort of emotional rollercoaster. How many of you have ended relationships or just been in stagnant situations in which sleeping with the enemy seems like such a great option? I mean, if I’m lonely and you’re lonely, maybe we could go somewhere and do something that we have no business doing, but need to do to fill the void that we are currently dealing with.

People do that all the time. I think it’s the major reason for the dysfunction that exists in society today. It’s hard to live this life alone. Many of us find ourselves latching onto people that are no good for us, but that are there. And sometimes, being there is just what we think we need. Healthy or unhealthy, we’ve indoctrinated ourselves with the notion that lonliness is a bad thing. We’ve become so dependant on needing physical bodies to help us feel whole, that sometimes, we’re okay with that body coming in any abusive shape. Emotional abuse becomes warranted in our minds. We begin to blame ourselves and when we don’t blame, we vie to leave when someone better comes along. We don’t ever consider doing it alone.

So, we continue our pattern of dysfunction in pseudo silence. We think no one knows or sees, but it’s no secret. Our friends know what we are doing. And tired of talking sense into us, they just watch on and shake their heads in disapproval, sigh with resignation, and roll eyes from disgust.

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