Truthfully Speaking

MULTI-TASKING

My sister is coming in to DC tonight. I’m so very excited about that. We are going to have so much fun this weekend. Even if we don’t go anywhere (even though we are definitely going everywhere). I have been trying to get a minute to go to the mall, but my work schedule has proven to be incredibly difficult. On Monday, we had a Committee meeting at 4pm and then a Trustee meeting at 6:30pm. By the time I left the office, it was after 8. Needless to say, I missed Half & Half. Yeah, I watch that show. And what?

On Tuesday, I left work at 5pm, but I had to go to DC to watch the baby. Her father was taking care of important politician business with regards to that stupid Baseball stadium that they are planning on building in DC and her mother had an appointment with her personal trainer at Bally Total Fitness. He was supposed to get home by 7pm. His wife came home from work, changed, went to Ballys, and returned before he made it home. That was around 9:30pm. I almost missed Real World.

On Wednesday, I came in to work early. I knew that I would be leaving early (meaning, 5 or 6pm ish). I worked diligently and was wrapping up my day at around 5:30pm, when one of my staff members reminded me that there would be an all staff meeting that evening at 6:30pm. I had planned to go to the mall and buy some stuff for this weekend and that put an X on my plans. It’s a good thing that I didn’t leave. Who knows whether I would have been able or willing to turn around and drive an hour + back to work. I caught the last 15 minutes of America’s Next Top Model. Can I just tell you that I am in love with Eva’s look.

Chill out dawg, I’m not trying to get in her pants or nothing like that. LOL..I’m just saying, I think she is beautiful. I also think that YaYa and Tocara are beautiful too. But there is something about Eva (maybe those eyes) that draw me into her. I feel like she can see souls. LOL. And Kelly had to go.

Now today is Thursday. I have already taken my car in to have it looked at, checked out some employee fundraising options, and entered some monopoly tickets into McDonald’s Best Chance website. I have more Trustees coming in at 6:30pm, so I’ll be picking up some refreshments for them a little later. I also will be calling them all to confirm their attendance. I also NEED to get to the mall. Maybe I’ll do that on my lunch break. We’ll see how that goes.

Now, I hope all of you have a great day. I’m just so excited to be seeing my sister this evening. With all that I have to do, I’m bound to forget something important like…..

…..THE LIQUOR

RELATIONSHIP WEEK

Lately, I’ve been reading quite a bit about relationships in the Blogger world. The postings have not all be with regards to an actual existing relationship with someone else, but many of them have been self realizations about what possible future relationships will and will not entail.

It has been a delight for me to see postings about individuals who have been single by choice for extensive lengths of times. My last labeled relationship ended in 1999. Since then I’ve grappled with the issue of giving that kind of time to someone else. I’ve made great physical and intellectual connections with individuals that I could see myself being in a relationship with, but for different reasons, I avoided taking it there.

My unwillingness to label what I had with these individuals as relationships often caused tension for what we had. Nevertheless, I remained firm about how I felt about that. Despite my lack of labeling, I can admit that I have been in love with those other individuals.

And yes Elle, love and struggle are one in the same. We are constantly struggling to keep what we love and love keeps us willing to continue with that struggle.

Gotta get back to work…Be back to finish

as time goes by

I still remember when I first started using this blog. It was during a time in my life in which I was full of emotions. I mean, I’m always full of emotions, but it was at that point in time that I realized how much I am driven by emotions. At that moment in time, I began to leave behind many aspects of myself that I believed I would carry with me til death. It was at that time in my life that I started to understand what older folks meant when they said that with time, my way of thinking would change about various subjects.

Things certainly began to change and I began to have viewpoints that people couldn’t deal with. I was “too” open minded now. I’d gone from being an absolutely conservative individual to a questioning liberal. I began to live with the fact that I was not put on earth to judge people. And everyone has a choice in life so who am I to look at them with crossed eyes?

I began to compromise on things I said I’d never do. Like, I said that I would never be with a man who cheated. Then I began to think that perhaps there would be a reason for him to legitimately cheat. LOL. I mean, being the person that I am, I could see a dude cheating. That is not to say that I would stay with him, but I could understand it.

I also began to be very liberal about notions of sexuality. Growing up religious, notions of sexuality are shunned often if they are not in the confines of marriage. But I began to reject the notion of marriage. I mean, I guess I’d make a good wife one day. But that is not even a goal of mine. I’ve seen too many relationships that have ended. I believe that it is simply because people don’t work at staying together anymore. But then again, if working with someone means accepting that he cheated on me, then I want no parts of that game.

Our elders got married young and stayed married forever. But they don’t tell us about the bullshit that they had to deal with and accept. I wish a nigga would think that I am dealing with that mess. He’d certainly be inclined to cheat on my behind and end it with a bang. I believe in compromise but I do not believe in compromising a relationship. I will do anything reasonable to make you happy. And if you can’t promise me the same, then we don’t even need to move further.

Sexuality is one of those funny things to deal with I believe. It’s such a societally dictated thing. It’s in the fibers of our beings to be sexual. And I think that that is where it stops. I don’t know if it is genetic to be attracted to your own gender. But I don’t know if it is genetic to be attracted to the opposite either. Who am I to judge choices?

My first initial is C dammit. My name doesn’t start with a G.

I’m inclined to sleep with or not sleep with whosoever I choose. And since I am not sleeping with that individual in your presence, then you have no right to judge me. This aint no porn dawg. You aint seeing what I do up close and personal.

So why can’t we just leave folk alone. Judging someone based on what they do in the bedroom is quite ridiculous, don’t you think? I mean, being a part of a free will, free thinking society just doesn’t work for a lot of folk.

And then to the religious. Myself include when I am being religious:

Stealing will set you down in Hell right?
Cheating will set you down in Hell right?
Lying will set you down in Hell right?

I mean really, no matter how much you do it and pray for forgiveness, there will be a time when all that “repenting” will be straight tired, right?

So why are you focusing on who people sleep with when you’ll be burning in the same place for things we deem to be “lesser” issues?

I mean, as I see it, if I’m going to burn let me ga’ head on an’…

DO MY THUG THIZZLE

I’m dog tired ya’ll. And I don’t have a got dang good reason. LOL. I mean, I went to bed by 9pm laast night and all weekend long, I’ve been in bed. But I could put my head down on this desk and go straight to sleep.

I had a good week last week. Hopefully, this week will be the same.

I’m excited because the rest of my month is looking real good. This weekend, my sister, Stacy, and Mel Dawg are coming down. That’s exciting. It’s been a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time since Mel and I have really spoken. I guess you can say that we had a sort of falling out. So, this is the first real attempt at normalcy since the last time I saw her.

Then next weekend, I am planning to go to NYC for a birthday party for my best friend’s son. Hmmmmmm. Don’t know if I’m estatic about hanging out with kids. But, I will be hanging out with Ol’ Boy. He and I are going to go gallavanting through the city doing Lawd knows what, Lawd knows where. We were going to spend the night together to….

…talk

I don’t know what this is or where it’s going, but I’m lonely enough to let it go on. He and I have a past and as I’ve said many times, he would not be a bad person to end up with. But I’ll leave it at that. He and I will chat about things. I’m making him plan activities that will give us time to do more talking and focusing energies on each other as opposed to things like a movie screen, etc.

Anyway, I’m off to do some work…

I struggled with loving you even when you made me feel…
Even when you were in a bad mood or when you needed to hear someone else say goodnight to you..
I struggled….
when you ….

…when do we get to be truly honest, even after all the honest conversations have been had? When do we get to say how much loving another person caused us so much anxiety and pain? When do we get to say…

…i can’t say what’s on my heart right now, right here. But I want you to know that I had moments of insanity, bouts of depression, harsh realities, and sudden realizations.

They come with the whole package.

And I learned that what didn’t kill me…