Truthfully Speaking

SHOULDA BEEN

I’ve been an athlete most all my life. Because of my religion as a child, there were certain activities that I could not be involved in. Track was my first love. Everyone noted me for my perfect posture and ostrich like running style. It looked funny, but I never lost. I loved to run. I considered joining Colgate, but I couldn’t because of Sabbath meets. I would not be able to participate in any and that would just make me a waste of a person on a team. So I forgot about Track dreams in Junior High School.

I picked up basketball. I was actually pretty good, but not well trained. I played street ball and didn’t have the discipline for organized ball. I was too explosive and lacked anger management skills. But I loved the sport. I loved the track aspects of it. I was faster than people expected and I jumped higher than people expected. I became infatuated with dunking. For me, to be above the rim was what life was all about. To this day, I am bored by woman’s basketball because of their inability to play above the rim.

High School found me watching basketball in my freshman year. My mother refused to let me play on the team. She has never cared for sports and has always stressed the importance of academic excellence above all else. She didn’t believe in the excel in sports to get a free ride thing. So she kinda halted my dreams. But something happened when I ended my first year of High School.

In the summers, my mother used to send us with bags of food to people’s homes. She felt that God had always blessed her and that it was her duty to share the blessings with others. I hated the long trips, but on one particular trip to my uncle’s house, I walked through a park. As I was walking through, I saw one of the girls on my High School’s basketball team. She was shooting around by herself. I dropped the bags and asked her if I could shoot around with her. She said yes. I think she was a bit suprised that I could play since I had never tried out for the team and she had seen me often in school. We played many games. I won some, she won others. She couldn’t jump as high as I could and I couldn’t shoot jumpers as well as she could. I dominated in the paint, she dominated outside. It was a thrill. Guys started coming onto the court to watch. Then they started putting money on us playing other guys. We did that and made some dough. But I had to leave. She told me that her grandmother lived right down the block, I told her that my uncled lived down the other block. We decided that we would come back everyday and play.

I played all summer. At the end of the summer, I decided to just try out for the team. I made it without trying out. My mom let me play. She didn’t allow me to go to any Friday practices or games. It was a problem for my coach because I was a scorer and defensive threat. My anger slowly subsided. I adjusted very well to organized play. I planned on doing it in college too, but religion would once again make it impossible to do. At a collegiate level, you become property and my Fridays would never be my own.

So through college I played against the woman’s team and against many of the male players and I held my own. Everyone always wondered why I was playing against and not with. Well, here I am admitting now. I couldn’t.

When I watch the olympics, I am immediately drawn to track. I don’t even care for basketball. I watch these young Americans run and I wonder if I could have been in the Atlanta games or even the Sydney games. Where would have my career gone if I had been able to foster it the way that I wanted to? I look at the bodies of these athletes and I just marvel at them. The men are amazing. Come on, act like you haven’t watched those legs pump and those arms move and ummmmmmm…ok, I’ll stop there. Sometimes, I miss the men’s winner staring at the wrong thing. LOL..But I swear, I really am saddened and at the same time I am exhilirated when these games come on.

The olympics, for me, is something that is the epitome of what an athlete should strive for. It is the highest honor to receive. When I watch, I think about all the I coulda done. And all I can really say when I watch my girls and my beautiful brothas sprint out of the blocks is:
“THAT SHOULDA BEEN ME”

Uhaul

Why do I have to be moving at a peak time? Why is it that students have to be starting college and renting out the damn Uhauls? Why is it that I reserve a truck for today and still don’t know when or where I will be getting it? Someone once told me that Uhaul is the worst run business out there and somehow I can believe that this is true. However, they have been okay with me so far. On Tuesday, I got a call saying that I would be travelling during a peak time and Uhaul wouldn’t know exactly when I can come in to get my truck but if I didn’t get a call onthe following day, they would definitely call me on my pickup day, Thursday. What else could I say but thanks?

So imagine the shock that I felt when I received a call yesterday. I was excited to hear the voice on the other end state that he was calling from Uhaul. Of course my excitement was short lived. He was only calling me to say the same thing the girl said the day before:
“If we don’t call you by the end of today, we’ll call you tomorrow to let you know exactly where and when you can pick up your truck.”

Arrrrrrrgh! So I’m in Albany, took the bus here and I’m staying on the college campus with my sister instead of staying at my own apartment. I don’t have any way to get from here to a Uhaul somewhere in West Bubble. I really hope that I can get the one in Albany, but with my luck, I’ll be travelling out of the United States to get it.

Have you all been watching the Olympics?
Man, I think I just have to make this a separate post.

THE BEAUTIFUL STRUGGLE

I love my mom. I will never deny that. We don’t always get along and I seldom talk about her, but she has been there in so many ways for me as I have grown up. She has sacrificed for her kids more than I would ever consider sacrificing for anyone. I just don’t believe that I am a strong enough person to give up all the things that she has given up and I don’t see myself making attempts to ever be that strong. She believes that life is a constant struggle, I believe that if life is about constant struggle then there is no real purpose for living. She believes that no one should ever lend or borrow, I believe that sometimes people fall into financial difficulties and if you have it to lend, then why not.

So flashback to about two weeks ago…

I was in New York City saying hello to some folk that I haven’t seen in years including my brother who I rearly see. So he called me and asked me if I needed any sneakers. Normally, I am not a buying sneakers type, but I decided to go along. Foot locker was giving him and his peoples 50% discounts on all the sneakers in the store excluding the Jordans. When we got in and met him, he was with one of his usual celeb friends. I said hello and went on with my business. I caved into purchasing my first pair of Jordans which I got 30% off of so I paid 70something dollars for. I have big feet, mind you. So I was cool with that price.

After we got the sneakers, we left. No lines, no wait, no problem. I must admit that I love the attention that being treated like a celeb affords. But whatever. We left. My brother got a call from someone and they wanted him to buy them this whole ridiculous rack of sneakers. He asked me if I had a ridiculous amount of money. I happened to have it sitting in my account that took care of my Albany bills. he told me that he would pay me back later that night. So I lent him the money. He took care of what he had to take care of and we left again. He dropped us off somewhere and he went on his way to where ever he was going.

When I got to the house later that night, he wasn’t there. I was leaving early the next day so I called him. He picked up and told me that he wasn’t coming home, but that he had asked my mother to take care of an account for him in which he kept his money. “Just tell mom to give you the money”. Cool. I waiting til the next morning when we were packing and stuff and asked my mom to give me this money that my brother and I had agreed on. She refused telling me that she didn’t do any business with me and that she would not be giving me any money. She told me that I should go find my brother and make him give me the money.

Now look, this was my bill money that I took and gave this boy. I asked my mother if she would really jeapordize my credit and my credibility by allowing me to leave without that money and knowing that bills would still need to be paid. She actually looked me up and down like I was a fool and then walked away.

People say that parents will never put you in a compromising situation. My mom, because of her stupid principles will be the one to watch you walk into fire if she feels that you set it. For the last few Sundays we’ve been having this conversation about how her actions put me in a situation in which I had to struggle uneccessarily. She firmly believes that this has nothing to do with her. She will guard that boy’s money like it’s in a locked account. Her saving habits are phenomenal and I respect them, but I am truly upset with her decision to watch me fall to the ground.

I figured out a way to take care of the bills. I had to do alot of transferring of accounts. I still haven’t gotten the money. She still doesn’t care. She says that life is a constant struggle. I say that if she would have given me my damn money, I wouldn’t be struggling right now. I guess it’s true that everything in life is relative. That’s what makes this life such a beautiful struggle!

I can’t take it. I have major trouble keeping my composure when I am around you. What kills is that you know that. What kills is that you play with that and with me, and damn do I know what brothas go through when we women play games with their emotions.

I’m completely weak to the point of being ill, it seems. The only solace I have now is in knowing that I don’t have to be around to have you have me feel like this consistently. I know I haven’t been a great person. I know I didn’t give you what you wanted. You know that I just couldn’t.

And now, I’m here regulating my breathing and hoping that I can catch it in time to pretend that I’m totally together the next time you ask me what I’m laughing about.

SHOOTING THE SHEET!

Waddup world?,

This is yo’ gurl Cee, back from a “hi hate us” reporting live to shoot the sheet with ya’ll.
I’ve missed each and every one of you all that send me emails and comment on my posts. I haven’t been crazy busy. I certainly don’t intend on fronting like I’ve been too pre-occupied to write. I have just been placing my focus elsewhere. I must say that I am at a point in my life in which I am finally content with where my career will eventually end.

As many of you all know, I had a teaching gig in Albany, New York. For a year, I watched the future “doctors and lawyers” of America in action. I contributed as much as I could to the advancement of these kids. I demanded excellence out of students that the system has coined “hopeless”. I pushed them to levels that they probably have never been pushed to. They hated me and they respected me and I would have it no other way. The school year ended with the majority of them failing every state test given to them and still being pushed forward to the High school for what I call “phase II of the holding cell”. I reluctantly attended graduation, spoke to all my students privately afterwards, gave them words of encouragement, gave them my contact information, shook hands with fellow teachers and staff members, and after taking one last look at the classroom and having a nice goodbye conversation with Mr. Bell, I left. I decided that I did not want to be a part of the holding cell any longer. I felt like I wasted time. I know that people like to say that the kids will remember me and that it’s the one life that I may have changed that matters. But the reality is this:

I am not interested in seeing one person make it when I was responsible for far more than that. It doesn’t feel good to know that despite all that I did, the school system set it up that these children would move on regardless of what they learned and eventually drop out upon realization that they do not have the fundemental groundwork necessary for them to further advance in Higher Education. Call me a coward, but I decided to run away from that.

I don’t have the credentials to be an administrator and if I can’t do that, then I am not interested in it.
I left Albany on June 26, 2004 and made my way to Washington DC on June 27. I’ve been here ever since trying to figure out what I can do with my life. I searched for jobs daily, once applying for 10 different positions within a half hour timespan. I only heard from three and two were automated messages. It’s been stressful.

People have been telling me to consider teaching out here, but that is not my passion. I love youth and I love learning, but I hate teaching youth. It’s just not for me. This feels like the time when everyone was trying to get me to be a social worker. I just can’t do it. My heart won’t let me.

I’ve been working for DC government and I was hoping to stay here, but I got an opportunity in VA. The job is everything that I love and it includes some parts that frighten me. However, I’m excited for the opportunity. Lets just say, I am the “CEO’s” eyes. I’ll be grant writing (which scares me a little), doing press releases, dealing with trustees, publishing, and possibly doing a few clerical projects. I get a $5,000 raise every six months for this year, and a possible doubled salary afterward.

I think I hit the jackpot on this one. The only part that is a bitch is that I just got an apartment with two of my girls (long story there), in Maryland. Now I’m not excited about the commute that I will have to be dealing with every morning getting from Silver Spring, Maryland to Alexandria, Virginia. But we made a deal to use this living situation as a way to get us ready for home buying at the end of the lease. With this new job, buying a home is more than a thought, it’s a definite possiblity.

Now on the man front, there is nothing going down. I’m single and not really looking. If someone comes along, then that’s cool. But at this moment, there is no time for me to place any focus on something like that. Granted, I would love to have that whole package, but I can’t say that I miss the drama. I don’t begin working in VA until Septmber. Until then, we’ll see where life takes me.

….and that’s all the sheet I got for ya’ll…

Til next time