Truthfully Speaking

On March 31, 2010, I received a letter non-renewing my teaching contract on the basis of declining enrollment at our school. While it was my tenure year, I learned very quickly, that that word doesn’t always stand for much. I’d been really struggling with wanting to leave my school – and possibly, the career of teaching. But, I wasn’t ready to be the person chosen for non-renewal. In fact, no one was. Either way, it happened, and I dealt with it.

Between that period and now, however, I noticed that I had gain a considerable amount of weight. I didn’t think I was eating anymore than I had been all along, but I certainly hadn’t stepped foot in a gym or anywhere that required physical activity. I then began a time period of constant travel. I developed a series of bad habits. School has been over for a month now, and I haven’t really done much.

Years ago, I carried three blogs at a time. One was a weight loss blog. I joined in a challenge with some other bloggers and we basically chronicled our eating and weight loss goals and habits. This blog has become very personal in nature, in that I don’t really have a steady readership anymore. Especially, since I don’t update very regularly anymore. But, I think that for the remainder of this summer, I want to use this blog as a catalyst for my health campaign. I know that there will be more bad days than good ones – but I want to be able to come back and see what I did, and how I made it through.

If you are here to join the ride with me, I welcome you.

First goal – run Caribbean Sounds Race (I’ve downgraded to the 5K)

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I promised that I would come with commentary pertaining to the 2010 BET Awards Show.  I hate being late with my responses – cuz other geniuses end up saying the same joints that I wanted to say, and then I look like I’m biting.  Know this, Cee doesn’t bite!

Ok, so here goes. Anyone who knows me knows that I DO NOT WATCH B.E.T. For years, I’ve been referring to it as the Black Entertainment Tragedy. For a long time, I’ve been in silent protest about the nigger mess that that station is. For a long time, I’ve avoided watching their Awards show. And sadly, it took Michael to die for me to tune back in. But, much to my chagrin, the tribute and the show re-affirmed all of the reasons why I stopped watching. But, because I’m a glutton for punishment – and you guys like hearing what I have to say  (maybe I like hearing it more than you actually do), I decided to watch the 2010 B.E.T Awards show. And you know what? It had the nerve to be good.

Kanye is a self-righteous, pompous, egomaniac, pig – and I love him. His new joint, “Power,” is the business. To begin the show with him was really great for me. Plus, they gave him enough time to perform and be ushered out so there would be no repeats of mic jacking (notice how you didn’t see him after that performance).  Before I move forward, let me just say that (Mel Dawg, this is for you), on the low, this Award Ceremony was strategically planned. I mean, this wasn’t your regular -put stuff together the night before -mess. This was some highly contrived, subliminal message sending, marketing.

The hostess, Queen Latifah, was a good choice. Now, younger and ghetto audiences would not agree about that. Perhaps it’s because B.E.T has now shown its audience nothing but tomfoolery and they do not have the capacity to receive a scaled back host or hostess. They could have easily used Mo’Nique or one of those loud mouth comedians, but they made the decision not to.  Not only did they bring back the Queen, but also they brought back MC Lyte as the announcer. Queen Latifah’s decision to bring back certain characters (namely, Cleo), gave rise to the question of her sexuality. But, who cares about that?

I don’t have much negative to say about any of the performances. I was very pleased with the fact that they kept the Dougie and Soldier Boy crowds out at the pre-show. Again, this to me is part of this all being contrived. We all know they were honoring Prince – who no longer subscribes to the coonery. So, they had to scale it down.

Contrived – Chris Brown. I don’t care to argue with anyone about my position. I will not say that the emotion wasn’t real, however, one would be a fool not to believe that this wasn’t a scenario of magnificent management. There is no doubt that Chris Brown (and less than a handful of others) would have been the best choice for a tribute to Michael, but only singing to “Man In The Mirror,” and then consequently breaking down, was genius. Oh, how I wish I were his manager right now.  He did an awesome job dancing. And, in turn, created the perfect stage to mount his comeback.

El DeBarge – most of the kids were saying, “Who the heck is that guy?” Well, it’s El folk. El is also a comeback story – turning his life around after incarceration. Album dropping in July. Where else would someone re/introduce themselves in the arena of black music than at the B.E.T Awards?

Then, there was the re-emergence of Eminem, T.I., and Puffy. Don’t front, you know that this is a comeback for Puffy. Drake had a chance to do it again sans minors dancing on the stage with him.  And Prince – well Prince gave a really good speech. He focused on encouraging artists to make good choices. I could go on and on about this show. But, I think that Prince’s recommendation is a sufficient end to this commentary.

Very simply: B.E.T, make good choices. Don’t bask on being wild and reckless. Understand that you are the representatives of a whole culture. Don’t paint us like shucking and jiving, coon faced idiots. But, employ some semblance of class. Black music was dignified at one time – even with all the audacity it brought. B.E.T obviously heard what people said last year, and they made the effort to do better. And, even though I still won’t watch the channel, I salute them!

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I poured it all out

into your open and listening ears.

I said enough to fill buckets.

And though there was no solution,

I’m feeling weightless.

The burden was becoming too heavy.

I felt the curvature in my spine.

I just need a brace

to hold me up now -

because I’m falling down!

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We keep falling for false promises – those little white lies that are said in a moment to appease a frustrated heart. Promises, with good intentions that just won’t be fulfilled. Like the promise made to the ignored which claims that, at a later moment, they will have their time – but as the hours and days pass, never arrives.

We justify it to ourselves, and others, by explaining that life happens. People get busy. We tell ourselves that it will come on another day, instead of accepting that it’s time to let go. The reasoning behind this is simple – we continue to hold on to the exposed rope.

The rope is the flash of time when that person looks at you and smiles intensely and you feel it penetrate your soul. The rope is when that person presents you with something you think is special. The rope is when that person takes you to a place in which you begin to believe again that the passion is still there.

But, it’s just that. As fast as you latch on to the rope, the noose is made – that thing that reminds you that you’ve been holding on to nothing but hope. Hope is a hell of a thing. It’s so strong that it can make someone believe in something that is so far from the truth.

Falling victim to this thing has absolutely nothing to do with having a lack of self worth. However, that can be a factor. Falling victim to this thing can have everything to do with one’s decision to expose everything – heart, soul, and mind without fear of the ramifications. There can be consequences – punctured souls, bruised hearts, clouded mind. There will be times when you will walk aimlessly into fogs of confusion. It hurts – badly. But, the concept of loving wholly and completely is about understanding and opening yourself up to the possibility of hurt.

It’s the very reason why people keep their thoughts locked up. It’s the reason why we don’t want to be the first to say, “I love you.” It’s the reason why we get ourselves caught up in the miscommunication game.

In a perfect world, the love that succumbs you, would be reciprocated by the one you love. In a perfect world, you both would fall in love with each other at the same time. There would be no having to be nervous about being vocal about the feeling. There would be no having to file the feeling. But the world is not perfect. What’s important is finding the courage to see the rope dangling and walk past it. Avoid self-inflicted pain.

Even though the world isn’t perfect – true love is. And when it comes, you don’t ever have to worry about holding on to remnants. It will be all yours.

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